Supremecy Withheld

[Hannibal]

I miss the way my mind felt about the fire.
As it feels now about this door.
This door and myself have gotten well aquainted,
However hard the aquisition of this door as been.
I wish I could light it on fire,
And burn it to the ground,
Washing away the rubble and stepping through.
But like a shadow,
I cannot.
My fire is useless,
Hiding somewhere which I cannot find it,
Through the door,
Beyond this door of which many have passed.
Perhaps I should venture within to find it,
I think perhaps not.
It's been too long,
I'm afraid of getting burned.

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To hate is to show you still care, who needs that? Focus on what's really important.
The best revenge, is to survive yourself.

[machinery]

ok, damn, well shit....
I really don't know what to say
Um, you know me and your writings, I often get confused....and once again *ding* yep, I am...ha...

but, I want to help, cos I too agree that the critiques haven't been shit. Actually, it occured to me today in my creavtive writing class....my teach said, "don't just say it's nice, or that you liked it, get into it..."
so really, we, as a group, have to think of this board as a workshop...so we have to tell them why, why you liked it, why you didn't, what confused you, what made you have a sore eye towards some wording or phrase...all of that shit...

yes, it's nice to compliment....but we need to be honest and also opinonative (sp)

so chris, get back to me on a little info on this...cuz i want to help

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[Hannibal]

Well.... the fire in this instance, is anger. And i've gotten away from using anger as a source of relief. And sometimes I wish I could go back and use it again, but it's like there's this door. From the way I was, and the way I am. And I just can't walk through it. And i'm just kinda plagued by it. And I'm afraid of the way I was, so I don't go back there.
-Any ideas on how to get this across? maybe some trimming or clarifying needed?

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[Pixelina]

oh, i see. i honestly had no idea what this poem was about at all until i read your response to rob. so you wanna make what its about more apparent in the words?

maybe you could refer to something the "fire" made you do, some time it made you mess up to make you not want to use it anymore...um, how to do this i don't know cause i don't even know you or your past, but just an idea...

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[Hannibal]

And a good idea it is *takes note* Thanks Pix.

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[ranter]

i usually try not to reply unless i say something constructive, and i do emphasize USUALLY, but i wanna reply to this one, um, yes, but, then, anyways, i like how this one is cryptic, but the side note helps a real lot...you raise great metaphorical points in this one, the door and the fire-fire=red he hehe anger, good, but like machinery says, a good constructive criticism takes more than just saying "good." and well, lets see, like pix said, mention maybe why you let go of the fire and do not use it...and when you say you wish you could lite the door on fire, bringing back the whole idea of anger and why you dont use it anymore but like a shadow you cannot, i see, good connotations. well i dont know if any of this was helpful, but i tried, sorry if i just wasted your time.

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[Hannibal]

Words with an explanation are helpfull. If it's good, say why it's good *which you do* if bad, say why it's bad, idea on improvement!*which you do as well* so... I must say fellow sir, your comments are well noted and appreciated *giggles like a giddy high school virgin on prom night*

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[honeyk]

Like most of your poems (well, of hte few that i have gotten to read), this one is well-written. I can see how it needs clafification, though...because after reading your side note...the idea you are trying to get across is really really good.

Sometimes metaphors can be too "big" to understnad without explaination. Pix's suggestion to bring in what the anger, or in this case, fire caused you to do...in hopes that the reader will be able to denote that from the actual poem. that is a really good idea.

"I miss the way my mind felt about the fire.
As it feels now about this door."
---ok, so you introduce the fire metaphor right off, which is cool..get right to the point. the only problem is you ring in the second methaphor in the second line, without giving us any clues as to what you meant by the fire. maybe pix's suggestions could go somewhere between the 1st and 2nd lines so we have a stepping stone for reading the rest of the poem.


"I wish I could light it on fire,
And burn it to the ground,"
---this is great imagery...but confuses me because of your original meaning of fire. ar eyou trying to say you wish you could burn down the door with your anger or are you just talking about regular fire here?


"My fire is useless,
Hiding somewhere which I cannot find it,"
---your poem has been powerful and to the point up till this line....if your anger is hiding, doesnt that already mean you can't find it? i think you can do some trimming here.

Through the door,
Beyond this door of which many have passed."
---this is just a little point...but instead of the word "of" should you maybe use something like the word "through"? just a grammer question.

"Perhaps I should venture within to find it,
I think perhaps not.
It's been too long,
I'm afraid of getting burned."
---these are my favorite lines...you have a real way with good endings! the only thing i would suggest here is to change the comma between the second to last and last lines to either ". . ." or a dash or even put an and in there...just because those seem to help with the flow of what you had going.



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